I feel fat. Not just today…everyday. No matter what I weigh, I feel fat. I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel fat.
I realized today that my current weight is about the same as my weight was when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child, over 14 years ago. I keep thinking that if I were pre-pregnancy weight right now, I wouldn’t think I was fat. But I probably would. No, I definitely would. Because I seem to have a distorted view of myself. It isn’t logical…but it’s still very real.
- I also stay away from the pool at all costs…like the cost of missing out on time with my kids because I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit.
- I feel hesitant about going to my husband’s work parties because I don’t want people to say that he is married to a fat girl. (He’s in terrific shape…very lean and strong. He works out 6 times/week and watches what he eats).
- I HATE to have pictures taken of me, so I become the photographer for every event.
- And the list goes on.
- I’m a bit chubby, and definitely out of shape, but I’m not fat.
- There are many women in the world who would be perfectly happy at my weight.
- If I want to change it, I can change it.
I think about it everyday, in every situation. I look at every other woman I see and evaluate whether she is bigger or smaller than me. I’m not thinking bad things about those that are bigger than me…not at all. I’m only critical of myself.
- In hopes that someone will tell me that I’m not alone.
- In hopes that someone who has been feeling alone will say, “Oh my gosh, she feels the same way I do” and that will free her just a bit.
- Because I think we all hold in too many “crazy” thoughts, thinking that people won’t understand…I want to break that myth.
So, once again, no happy ending…no easy wrap-up. Just the truth from my heart. Ladies, can any of you relate? Or am I alone in this craziness?