On Questions, Faith, and Knowing

God doesn’t always do what I want Him to do…what’s up with that?  He doesn’t always do what seems logical to me…what makes sense in the “real world”.

Most of us, even if we like spontaneity and surprise, also really like to have some idea of where our life is headed…some sort of plan, at least in general, for our life.

We want to know what God is up to, what He’s going to do…then we can trust him to do it.  That sounds pretty holy, doesn’t it?  “I’ll do anything God…go anywhere…trust you in anything…just tell me what and where.”

But what if He doesn’t tell you?  Or what if you’ve heard His voice and followed, but that narrow path you’re walking with Him starts to diverge toward a place you didn’t expect?  What then?

“Wait a minute, God.  I’m doing exactly what you told me to do.  I’m going exactly where you told me to go.  But this doesn’t look the way it was supposed to look.  This is not at all what I expected.”

• “You said that if I tithe then I will be blessed.  Well, I just lost my job.
• You said that if I pray to you then my prayers will be answered.   Well, the cancer has returned anyway.
• You said that if I seek You then I will find You.  Well, I think you’ve found a good hiding place, ’cause I sure can’t find you right now.”

“Did I hear you incorrectly?  Misunderstand?  Did you change your mind and not tell me?  What is going on?”

If you do feel like this right now, don’t despair and don’t give up.  You’re actually in a very good place.  No, it doesn’t feel good, and you probably think you’re the only one.  But, you’re not…others just don’t want to admit that they are thinking the very same things.

• These things don’t sound holy, but they are.
• They don’t sound like questions from a faithful person, but they are.
• They don’t sound like thoughts that should be shared, but oh how they are!

And here’s why…

1. If we don’t question…if we won’t admit that we don’t have all the answers…then we can’t grow.  Growth comes in our unknowing…in our weakness.  Growth comes from admitting that we walk this earth wearing a great big question mark, while God wears a great big exclamation point.
2. If we don’t question, out loud…then we continue to think that we are alone.  Community grows when people are honest, vulnerable, and brave with the risky questions of life and faith.

It’s important to ask the questions…even if you don’t get answers.

Which takes us back to the concept of trust.  It’s easy to trust when we know where we’re going, what God is doing, and how to follow.  But sometimes, most of the time actually, the trust must come before the knowing.

We want to know what God is doing, then we will trust Him in it…
God wants us to trust Him, then He can show us what He is doing.

We want to ask the questions, get the answers, then follow.
God wants us to follow, ask questions while we follow, then He can show us the answers.

We want to KNOW then TRUST
God wants us to TRUST then KNOW

To watch or listen to a great sermon on this topic by Peter Barber and Jerran Wolf of Southeast Christian Church, Parker, Colorado, CLICK HERE and look for the July 2-3 sermon.

On Marriage and Accepting Love

My husband and I recently went to an intensive marriage seminar (put on by Family Dynamics Institute) specifically designed for marriages that are in crisis.  (Ours has been “in crisis” since last September)  It was a great seminar that I would recommend to anyone whose marriage is struggling.

One crucial thing that I realized at the seminar is that I have a really hard time accepting love.

I guess I didn’t just realize this at the seminar…I actually wrote a guest post a couple of months ago for SheLovesMagazine.com about the difficulty of being the one “on the mat” (referring to the Bible story about the man whose friends carried him to Jesus on a mat).  Click here to read it.

What I did realize at the seminar is how much that issue has negatively affected my marriage.

Tell me if you can relate to this…

My husband plans a date night for the two of us.  It’s not necessarily fancy. Just dinner out, but without the kids.  My first thought is not, ‘how nice that he loves me and wants to spend time with me.’  No, my first thought is…say it with me now…’he wants sex.’

Or how about this one…

My husband says, “What do you want for your birthday?” I give him a list, although I’m wishing that he didn’t need a list, and just knew what I would want.  Then when I get the gift, and others say, “how thoughtful”, I’m thinking, ‘No, I had to tell him what to get.  If I have to tell him what to get, then it doesn’t mean as much.’

When that’s my attitude, I completely sabotage our relationship.  I’m not allowing my husband to love me, either because his loving act doesn’t look exactly like I think it should, or because I have assumptions about his intentions.  That’s not fair.

• Maybe he takes me out to dinner because he actually enjoys my company.
• Maybe he does want sex…which, in marriage, is a good thing.
• Maybe he asks me what I want for my birthday because he really wants me to enjoy my special day.
• Maybe he actually loves me…maybe he’s not full of hidden motives and motivations.
• Maybe I can’t accept his love because I don’t believe I’m actually worthy of it.  

I’m learning…slowly…but I’m learning.

Can you relate?

I Feel Fat…Can Anyone Relate?

I feel fat.  Not just today…everyday.  No matter what I weigh, I feel fat.  I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn’t feel fat.

I realized today that my current weight is about the same as my weight was when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child, over 14 years ago.   I keep thinking that if I were pre-pregnancy weight right now, I wouldn’t think I was fat.  But I probably would.  No, I definitely would.  Because I seem to have a distorted view of myself.  It isn’t logical…but it’s still very real.

The extent of this problem became clear to me today when I chose not to go to a reunion picnic (old friends from high school) because I feel fat.  I figured they would look at me and say, “Wow, Kim got fat,” and that would be all they would see.

•  I also stay away from the pool at all costs…like the cost of missing out on time with my kids because I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit.
• I feel hesitant about going to my husband’s work parties because I don’t want people to say that he is married to a fat girl.  (He’s in terrific shape…very lean and strong.  He works out 6 times/week and watches what he eats).
• I HATE to have pictures taken of me, so I become the photographer for every event.
• And the list goes on.

Logic tells me…

1. I’m a bit chubby, and definitely out of shape, but I’m not fat.
2. There are many women in the world who would be perfectly happy at my weight.
3. If I want to change it, I can change it.

But against all logic, and to be totally transparent, I’m disgusted with myself.  That’s a bad feeling.

I think about it everyday, in every situation.  I look at every other woman I see and evaluate whether she is bigger or smaller than me.    I’m not thinking bad things about those that are bigger than me…not at all.  I’m only critical of myself.

Me in my bathing suit

I put this kind of stuff out here on my blog for 3 main reasons…

1. In hopes that someone will tell me that I’m not alone.
2. In hopes that someone who has been feeling alone will say, “Oh my gosh, she feels the same way I do” and that will free her just a bit.
3. Because I think we all hold in too many “crazy” thoughts, thinking that people won’t understand…I want to break that myth.

So, once again, no happy ending…no easy wrap-up.  Just the truth from my heart.  Ladies, can any of you relate?  Or am I alone in this craziness?

>My Special Girl

I have a daughter with special needs.  She’s 12 years old…her name is Lizzy…here she is…

She has a rare form of Down Syndrome called Mosaicism or Mosaic Down Syndrome.  I know, I know, you weren’t aware that there are any ‘forms’ of Downs, but there is this one.  It means that only some of her cells are Trisomy-21 (which causes Downs) instead of all of them.

She’s an amazing girl.  She’s funny, she’s smart, she’s outgoing and friendly.  She loves horses and she is an amazing vaulter (a special kind of riding where they do artistic routines while riding on the back of a moving horse)  Here are some pics to help you understand…

Adults LOVE her.  Kids are mean to her.  It’s very sad.  She has one really good friend, and that’s good.  There are a couple of kids at school that will be kind of nice to her, but most just ignore her.  They don’t understand her.  She’s so high functioning that, instead of being obviously Downs, she comes off as just awkward and weird.

She bites her nails until they are too low to bite.  She also bites her lips so she gets sores that make her mouth hurt.  She has a lisp, she wears glasses and she doesn’t care much about social ‘graces’.  None of these things are great for a 12 year old girl, about to enter Middle School.

I worry about her a lot.  And, to be honest…bluntly honest…I feel ‘heavy’ for her and, selfishly, for me too.  I sometimes forget how heavy I feel….I get used to it I guess.  Until something reminds me.

Lizzy went to camp with the middle school youth group from our church this week.  She was gone for 5 days.  I missed her and worried about her a bit, but I knew she’d find an adult leader that would love on her, so I knew she’d be fine.

When I picked her up today, she walked off the bus, and my first thought was ‘she is a total mess’.  She was filthy (she had only showered once all week because the water was cold).  She looked exhausted.  She had a big scab on her chin (looked like she fell on gravel), but she said she has no idea how she got it.  I saw her trying to talk to a few different girls, and I saw them completely ignoring her.  She gathered her stuff…her backpack, duffle bag, sleeping bag…and I gathered up my ‘heaviness’ and we got into the car.

She had a great time at camp.  She, of course, met a leader who she loved and who loved her back.  She hung out with a couple of girls from school, and “they ignored me sometimes, but mostly they were nice.”

And I’m heavy again.  I hadn’t realized the lightness of the week, but I realize the weight when it returns.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my Lizzy with all my heart and soul, and it’s because of that love that there is also a tension…a weight…that I live with.  I want others to see in her what I see.  I want her to “fit in”…not in an unhealthy way, but just in a happy, friendly way.  I want to teach her certain, appropriate ‘social graces’ without belittling who she is, or making her feel like I don’t think she’s good enough.  I just want to help her.

So, no big revelations…no big spiritual insights in this post today.  Just my thoughts about my lovely girl.

If you have a special needs family member or friend, tell me if you connect with this post at all. 

If you don’t, please don’t tell me…

“God loves her more than you do” or

“You should give all your worries to God” or

“It’s better if she doesn’t fit in because fitting in isn’t what’s really important” or

“Some people go through life with only one or two friends and that’s okay”. 

I know all those things already…I really do…and I believe them.  But my heart breaks for her none-the-less.

>Where My Passion Intersects A Need (maybe?)

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Back in April, on the Re:Create Cruise, someone said (I believe it was Randy Elrod) to find your vocation “where your passion intersects a need.”   Then last week I went to the Storyline Conference and was inspired and convicted by Don Miller to get off my butt and start doing the things I need to do to create the story I want to live.  I think I might have found a way to do just that, and I want YOUR opinion.

As I said in my last post, “The Secret to Learning Others’ Stories”, if I could do anything right now, I would listen to people’s stories then write about them.  I LOVE to sit with another person and hear his story,  I mean the story of his life…stories of events that shaped him…stories of his greatest joys and deepest tragedies…stories that give insight into the person he is today. 

I also love to write.  I love to re-tell stories.  I love to use words to create emotion and spark imagination.

So, how do I intersect these passions with a need?

Here’s my idea…it’s still very rough, with a lot of details to figure out, so be honest, but no TOO rough with me!!! 

I’ve seen A LOT of books out there filled with life story questions.  You’re supposed to buy the book, answer the questions, then give the book to your children or grandchildren.  I’ve also seen some “story” websites where you can go online and write your story for family and friends to read (seems pretty much like a blog).  The problem is, many people can tell their story if asked the right questions, but will NEVER take the time to sit and write it out.    If you are one of those people, let ME write your story for you… 

Here’s how it would work…

• We would meet for a videotaped chat…about 2 hours in length
• I would basically interview you about your story…we’d have a casual chat over coffee, or something similar…easy, unassuming, informal.
• I would use my creative talent to write your story in a way that fits with your personality and tastes.  If I find you to be very serious, the story may take that tone.  If you’re a joker, the story will have humor…etc…This would be partly based on my own intuitive “feel” of the situation, and partly on the purpose of the story.
• That story can then be presented in different forms (printed and framed, in a book form, in a book form with pictures that you give me, in a book form with stock photos that relate to your story, maybe also in an e-book form)
• You can also purchase a DVD of the interview (edited or un-edited)

Here are some possible uses…

• For the elderly to leave their life story behind for their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc…
• As a wedding gift…I would interview the engaged couple, then write the story of how they met, fell in love, got engaged.
• Wedding anniversary…”The story of our first year” or “The story of our first 20 years”. You get the point.
• High School graduation… “My life story so far” or “My high school story”.  This could be written from the student’s point of view, or the parents’ point of view, or both. 
• Others??

So, here’s where I need your help!

• Do you think this is a good idea or not?
• Would you ever consider using it? 
• What issues immediately come to mind that I might not think of? 
• Anything else you wanna say!!!

I would greatly appreciate your time in giving me some feedback to help me get started!

>The Secret To Learning Others’ Stories

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I love to hear people’s stories.  If I could do anything right now I think I would sit down with people from all different backgrounds, listen to their stories, then write about them. 

Every person has a story.  Everyone. 

The cashier at the grocery store…the man sitting across from you on the subway…the homeless woman at the corner…the wealthy businessman who won’t give you the time of day.  The famous…the infamous…the unknown.  They each have a story.    

Some filled with pain, some filled with joy, most with a certain amount of both. 

And one thing that I know for sure is that almost everyone wants to share their story.  Everyone wants to be known…everyone wants to be heard.  Some share their story with the world, some with only a cherished few. 

So how do I get people, sometimes virtual strangers, to tell me their stories?  Well, it’s a pretty big deal…quite a secret.  It takes great talent and finesse.  A skill that requires much practice. 

Re you ready?  Here it is….

I ASK.

Amazing huh? 

I ask.  I ask about their family.  I ask about their job.  I ask why they chose their job.  I ask where they are from.  I ask why they moved where they are now.  I ask.  Just ask.    Usually within 2-3 questions, I get to hear a story.  

Meet Joe. 

Joe and I worked for 2 hours together at an aid station at a charity bicycle ride.  Here’s some of what I learned about Joe…

He has 2 living children, ages 8 and 17.  They live in California with their mom.  He has another daughter that committed suicide last year.  His ex-wife knew that his daughter was in crisis, but she didn’t talk to him about it.  He holds a lot of anger about that.  He works with at-risk teens, and his eyes light up when he talks about them.  (By the way, when someone is telling you their story, and their eyes light up, you’ve hit on their passion.  They’ll talk about that all night if you will listen.  And you will learn more about the person while listening to them talking about their passion any other topic. )  I learned all about Joe’s philosophy of working with troubled kids, as well as his hopes and dreams for the kids he works with.

Joe is a big man with a big heart for kids, and I can now pray for him more specifically because I have heard his heart. 

Meet Gerald.

Gerald sat behind me on an airplane trip to Portland. I didn’t actually talk to Gerald myself.  Gerald was about 90 years old, and he was sitting next to a kid of about 10.  The kid was flying alone, and he and Gerald became fast friends.  Gerald was annoying to most of the passengers in a 5 row radius.  He talked too loud for an airplane and he laughed a lot, with a big guffaw kind of laugh.  But, guess what?  The 10 year old asked him a couple of questions, and what came next was a plethora of stories from a life well-lived, some a bit inappropriate for 10 year old ears, actually.  You know what, though?  These two people who live across the county and 80 years from each other bonded on that airplane.  They heard each other’s hearts.  They connected as only humans can do.  They connected as God intended us to do.  Simply because the boy took the time to ask. 

And that’s the point, right?  Our stories bring us together.  Our stories give us a glimpse into each other’s hearts, passions, dreams, pains, joys, fears.  When we ask someone else, with genuine interest, about their story, we let them know that we care about these things.  We let them know that we want to know them…to hear them.  And we are blessed.  We are blessed in an intangible way…a spiritual way.  We can’t put it into words, but it changes us for the better.  

So here’s my challenge to you.  Just ASK.

>Just Another Night…

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I spend another night

Lying in our bed

Looking out the window

Pondering our story

Wondering what’s happened

How did we ever get here?

We had such different plans

For where we would be now

Tears fall down my cheek

Although I try to stop them

Cannot stuff the heartache

Deep inside my soul

You lie in bed sleeping

It comes so easy for you

The fear and pain don’t haunt you

Once your head hits the pillow

While I spend another night

Lying in our bed

Looking out the window

Pondering our story

Wondering what’s happened

How did we ever get here?

We had such different plans

For where we would be now

Tears fall down my cheek

Although I try to stop them

Cannot stuff the heartache

Deep inside my soul

>Am I A Wrong-Blogger?

>I’m pretty new to blogging…actually, very new.  I haven’t decided yet if there are right and wrong ways to do it.  I’ve read blogs about blogging, with great hints about how to get more readers, how to keep readers, how to guest blog, and how to organize your blog.

I’ve been told, “don’t talk too much about yourself,” and “just be yourself,” and “only talk about stuff that is important to you,” and “find a topic that people will be attracted to and write about that.”

I’ve heard, “your blog posts should be 200-300 words max” and “your blog posts can be up to 600-800 words.”

I’ve seen blogs on all kinds of topics, from marketing to motherhood, vocations to vacations, gardening to grand-parenting, and leadership to landscaping.

I’ve seen some great gimmicks like “A Photo A Day” and “Seven Sentences” (where every post is exactly 7 sentences long).

My blog is pretty much about whatever is on my mind when I sit down to write, along with the ongoing story of A Girl Named Little.  I have no real topic, no real focus necessarily.  I don’t stick to a set length for each post, and I don’t really do anything fancy to get more views.

I know that I’m called to encourage people to break the ties that hold them back, to reveal the secrets that weigh them down, and to battle the fears that tie their hands.  I’m not sure that my blog is specifically about that, though.

So, am I a wrong-blogger??  (I just made up that term, by the way…just for fun!)  Is there a right way to blog?  Do I need to pick a specific topic?  A consistent length?  Do I need to post less about my own thoughts, and come up with a more “generalized” topic to discuss?

When you first started your blog, how did you decide what to write about? What blogging “rules” do you use?

>We Are All Worship Leaders

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I’ll admit to you right up front…I stole the ideas for this post from the Worship Pastor at my church (Southeast Christian Church,Parker, CO), Jeff Percival.  Jeff not only led the music portion of the service today, but he also did the teaching, and his words have resonated in my soul all day. 

He used this great quote by Louie Giglio…

“I think all music – not just Christian music – is worship music because every song is amplifying the value of something.  There’s a trail of our time, our affection, our allegiance, our devotion, our money.  That trail leads to a throne, and whatever’s on that throne is what we worship.  We’re all doing a great job of it because God has created us to be worshippers.  The problem is that a lot of us have really bad gods.”

He also used Luke 4:18-19…

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.” (NLT)

So, here’s the deal friends…We are ALL worship leaders!   Each and every one of us…believer or non-believer, old or young, those employed in ministry and those employed in secular organizations…we are ALL worship leaders.

Why would I say that?  Here’s why…

1. God made us to be worshippers, and we all worship something
2. The life I am living amplifies the value of whatever I worship (if I worship money, my life will amplify the value of being wealthy…If I worship fame, my life will amplify the value of being well-known and recognized…if I worship Jesus, my life will amplify the value of Christ himself)
3. Others will recognize and resonate with the things that I worship…those things that are amplified in my life.
4. I am, just by the very nature of what is amplified in my life, leading others into worship of something…I am a worship leader.

So, here’s the question…

Your life amplifies the value of something…what is it?  What is resonating with others when they are with you?  What kind of worship are you leading?

>A Girl Named Little – Part 5

“I need to tell you something about your grandpa,” Little heard her mom’s voice say over the phone.  Sitting alone in her college apartment, Little’s stomach started to churn, her hands started to sweat.  Mom’s voice sounded concerned.  Could she know something?  How?  Or maybe he’s sick, in the hospital, dead.  Little’s mind sped through a million possibilities in just a few seconds.

“What’s going on?”

“Well, it’s crazy.  These two little girls in his neighborhood have claimed that he exposed himself to them.”

Little felt instantly queasy, lightheaded, short-of-breath. ‘Oh God,’ she thought.  ‘This is it…it’s all going to come out now…and I’m not the only one.’  Anger, disgust, rage, hurt, fear all surged through her simultaneously.  She tried to stay focused on her mother’s words…to act surprised, unaffected.

“Huh,” was the only sound she could get out.

Her mother continued, “They say that they were riding their bikes down the street and he exposed himself through the front window.  These little girls are trouble makers, though.  You know he would never do anything like that.  I have no idea why they are making up such a horrible thing.”

Little couldn’t speak…what could she say?  Should she confess her secret?  Everything in her wanted to say, “No!  You’re wrong!  He would do something like this!  He did this to me, and even worse!”  But she couldn’t…the words were stuck…fear overwhelmed…nothing came.

Finally Little asked, “So, what’s going to happen?”

“Well, this has actually been going on for a little while, but I didn’t tell you sooner because I didn’t want to worry you.  Now it’s going to court, so I thought you should know.  But we have letters from a bunch of neighbors supporting your grandfather.  Those girls make up lies all the time.  I’m sure the judge will see that they are lying and that your grandfather would never do such a thing.”

And Little didn’t tell…and the judge ruled in favor of her grandfather…and those girls were called liars…and her guilt and shame grew.

• Painful secrets don’t sit dormant.  They are a breeding ground for guilt, shame, self-hatred and doubt.
• Painful secrets don’t heal themselves.  Healing requires truth and light.
• Painful secrets don’t only hurt their holder.  They create a wall of fear which separates their holder from truly loving others, and so the hurt spreads.